[I'm Not] Coming Out!

Saturday night, I received an SMS from my former officemate, Claire, saying that I switch to channel 12 about a show about gays.

Actually, she need not remind me to watch the show, “Out!” by GMA 7. Not that I’m marking my calendars and is dying to watch it. I’ve heard much of the show from my best friend Cecille, who had been telling me about the show’s plugs and teasers. I rarely watch TV nowadays so I’m really clueless what’s the fuss is all about. I really did not intend to watch, but curiosity got the better of me and I guess I have nothing to lose if I watch it. I’ve heard so much about the show even if the pilot episode won’t be aired that day; hence I really have high expectations… and reservations.

It’s not hard to figure out what the show will be all about. The title itself had always been referred to those gays hiding in their closeted world. The first segment had one of the gay male host waiting at a restaurant for his girl college friend, not on a date but for his ‘coming out’ moment. Shortly after his friend arrived and they’re in the middle of the course, he told his friend that he’s been gay all these years and he’s finally coming out. The second segment had this bisexual girl model/actress doing her ‘coming out’ moment inside a bar.

What caught my attention is the segment about a former Probe team reporter/journalist. An excerpt from his actual audition footage was shown. At the audition tape, he was asked when did he come out, he answered “Until now.” to which I must admit is very brave of him. However, the next part of his segment had him crying and pouring his heart out to a friend. Forgive me for saying this but he looks like a drama queen that time. I can’t blame him though if all these years he’s been hiding what he really is. I just can’t imagine 20-something years of suppressed emotions finally coming out in the open and setting one’s self free. I see he’s finally liberated, but all the cryings and weepings he did is very showbiz.

Next segment featured a marriage between gay and lesbian couples. Both pairs from both same sex relationships were featured. There’s also a segment about a fan/admirer of Filipino gay icons. This one had veteran thespian Celia Rodriguez surprising an ardent fan. The unknowing gay was made up to look like his idol and a pictorial was set. In the middle of the photo shoot, came Ms. Rodriguez, which accidentally was stepped on by her gay fan. I really find that booboo funny but when they started praising each other superlatives, I decided I had enough. I got the point, I need not watch any further.

One of my friends asked if I would do the same [coming out] and allow my story to be featured in the show, if given the chance.

I would… not! Even if I will be coming out, it would not be on national TV. I have always been open about who I am. I’m not really hiding anything, so there’s no need for me to come out. Though I haven’t gone far to wearing girly clothes and getting those silicon and hormone shots just to have the physical attributes of the fairer sex, I think I’m doing fine just by being me.

Though I don’t go running around like a screaming faggot nor do I act all macho and very masculine, it’s not hard to tell that I am one. They say my actions and actuations give my preference away. I guess its true; I’ve always been like that.

When I’m asked if my family knows of this, I usually answer, “I don’t know.” My sexual preference is an open secret with regards to my family. It is quite obvious but we don’t talk about it. Or we try our best not to talk or avoid talking about it. I guess my family isn’t ready yet to hear the words “I am gay” coming from me. It’s not as though that they are forcing me to change ways or anything. I’m still waiting for that time when they will be asking me about this. I will come out to them, not for anyone, when they are ready. For now, it’s all just wait-and-see.