For the last 25 years of my existence, I have yet to have a boyfriend – a serious one, that is. One that I can really call my own - and only mine.

Yes. I’m infinitely single since time immemorial, though I had my fair share of flings and encounters. Some of them ended up as my friends but most remained only as flings, nothing more.

Its not that I’m on a life and death pursuit for a boyfriend/lover/significant other or anything, it just that...

Ok, I admit it. I hate being single – right now.

Probably it’s the feeling of being left behind by almost everybody – who are either in a serious relationship or otherwise. Everywhere I look, there's a couple gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes - oblivious of the world around. Especially to us poor, single and unattached souls. I can’t even wander around without feeling envious of the love around me.

I once asked a [gay] friend what he thinks is wrong with me. Why I haven’t got a guy for the longest time.

He said that if I really wanted one, I could have one. It all depends on me.

Easier said than done…

As I seriously think about it, I do want to have one. But it’s the commitment and getting hurt because of love that I’m afraid of. I know of some who had been together for seems like eternity, but they ended up alone and hurt by cupid’s arrow. I’ve been hurt before by love, though I can't exactly say that it’s because of a legit love gone wrong coz I was the third party. He’s not really mine to begin with.

I don’t wanna buy that “Love will come to you when you least expect it.” crap anymore. I try to be as indifferent as I can whether there’s really someone meant for me or not. If there is, fine. If not, I couldn’t care less.

Am I depressed? Maybe I am.

I just hope that I’m going thru this phase, again.

Once in a while I get this insecurity, apathy and anxiety attack, followed by excessive wallowing because of my current status. I drink, party till I drop, and flirt like there’s no tomorrow to somehow fill the void and emptiness. After which something, someone interests me and then I’m normal again. Normally, the single and [somehow] contented me.

But right now, life sucks - and me.