True love is hard to find, at least for me. I almost believed that there’s no such thing and true love has yet to find its way through my jaded heart. You could preach all day about rhetoric and testimonials to the contrary but let me first tell you about my tries at love.

The first [and probably the only] guy I fell in love with is already committed, whose lover is working abroad. I agreed and accepted his proposal to be his other one. Substitute. Alternative. You can call me his mistress if you want. We’re the perfect lovers – but only in bed. That’s it.

Another one is a bisexual who suddenly finds himself at the center of a gunshot wedding before we can even get serious with each other. We remained friends, though.

Then there’s this bi-curious guy who is a single father. We almost commit to have a serious relationship hadn’t he realized that he still prefers women to fellow guys.

Though first guy was the best lover, the experienced proved to be traumatic. It changed my outlook in love and relationship. I always thought that everything will work out fine and ‘love’ and good intentions are enough to achieve a happy ending. Apparently, it’s not. I learned that everything is just a game. You lose if you invest too much love and emotion. The rule is to be unattached as possible. Winning this game is dictated by the pain and sadness you can inflict on your preys. Who knows if they’re not thinking the same? Manipulate them before they manipulate you – the mantra I now apply when dealing with relationships.

I had long learned and mastered this art – of saying ‘I love you’ when you don’t mean a thing, of acting all innocent and gullible but plotting and scheming how to execute your plans, of giving guys false hopes instead of just saying ‘no’ and be honest. If there’s a degree for this art – I’m already taking up my Masters. I broke up with a former boyfriend after meeting a more handsome, suitable one. I dumped a suitor just because he texts me morning till night and says ‘I love you’ too much - two of the countless casualties of hurricane Mharlon.

Just recently, I met a guy who seems to be too smitten by my charms. Who can’t help but to profess his noble and honest intentions, who would even serenade me with love songs over the phone just so I would believe him. I contemplated on giving this guy a chance and say goodbye to my current ways.

I agreed to meet him last Monday with a plan to tell him of the good news. But the moment when I was about to say that I’ll be willing to give us a try – different words came out. I realized I am not ready.

For a serious boyfriend…

For a serious relationship…

Anything serious this time makes me wanna puke. It is as if I choke everytime I think of the problems and dilemma of commitments. When will I be ready? I don’t know. And I just can’t.