The Pains of Letting Go

"Seeing the other woman with her bulging tummy is like a slap on my face. A thousand slaps, left and right, or more the very second I saw it. But it’s not just a slap on my face. I can only wish it’s just a mere slap or any physical harm which I can still bear, all for my love for Robert. But it’s not as simple as that.

What I saw bruised my ego, insulted my femininity and wounded my heart. All this time I was pretty confident of his love, that he could do no wrong. But he just caused me the most unbearable pain one can suffer.

He broke my heart.

I was a bit surprise in spite of myself that I wasn’t thrown into a hysterical fit. I wanted to scream, to cry my lungs out, to curse the girl for God knows what – but I didn’t. Woman’s instinct tells me that a verbal or physical confrontation is the last thing she needs in her current state. It’s the child. Robert’s first child!

Seeing that afraid and uneasy look in her eye, I understand why. Why she allowed this to happen to her. She loves Robert. She’s crazily in love with him that she allowed herself to be impregnated by a cheater. Robert no less!

I suddenly heard myself asking her questions. How is she doing? Is she fine? The usual questions a girl friend would ask her pregnant friend. But we’re not friends. We just got acquainted that day. I even had the sarcasm to say that I can be a godmother to her child if she wants. I am such a bitch, even if I’m hurting.

The girl is trying very hard to have a normal conversation with me, but to no avail. She stutters and is make funny gestures all that time. She had that guilty, afraid and pleading eye as if saying:

“Please don’t do anything bad to me. Please don’t be angry, please? Please? Please….”

I can only pity her.

All the while Robert is just a speechless, shocked creature watching us as we exchanged words. For the longest time that I’ve known him, I’m sure he’s in a state of near – collapse. Good thing the girl still has the decency and excused herself, so that Robert and I could talk. She muttered something about her stomach suddenly feeling funny and achy and she needs to use the toilet. In my head I’m saying that:

“Good for you. Must have been all those guilt feelings trapped inside finally coming out of your body. In the funniest and most awkward places!”

Finally, Robert and I were alone. He’s already crying. He reached for my hand but I won’t accept it. He tried to go near me but I’m shooing him away. I just told him in my angriest, most detached tone to say his piece for the last time. I did not want to waste my time any further – in the company of cheaters. After my hurtful words, he again tried to embrace me in spite of my resistance. This time he succeeded.

But my detached and cold-as-stone demeanor was not to waiver any moment. I tried to push him but he’s forcing himself to me. I just stood there like a statue, incapable of humane emotions. Robert is all over me. He’s crying loudly and is kissing me and saying how sorry he was. That he did not expect a one – time lapse of his fidelity would result to something that he will regret forever. I just looked away, which made him cry even more.

Deep inside, I am really hurting seeing him in this state. I wanted to console him, to hug and embrace him, to assure him that everything’s gonna be alright – like I usually do. But I had to do this. For myself, for him and most especially for someone who doesn’t have anything to do with all this. There’s an innocent soul already involved whether he/she likes it or not – his would be firstborn.

Thinking about the child, brought me back to reality and my senses. I was suddenly aware of Robert’s arm around me and I can actually his howls of forgiveness. I would have been touched and melted by his show of emotions had this did not happen, and Robert is still the same Robert that I knew.

I thought I knew him, but that moment, I barely do. It was like looking at a familiar face of a total stranger. How could he do this to me? How could he? Why? Why him? Why me? I was with an entirely different person.

I told him it’s over, that no amount of explanation can change my mind. I already made my decision. And that is to end our relationship. All of these, I’m doing for his child. I wouldn’t want to see another disgraced lovechild to be born in this world. - Just because his father had his momentary minutes of self – satisfaction without thinking of its consequences.

“I’m doing this for your child, Robert. Even if it will cost me my happiness.” I had set him free.

to be continued...