July 15, I decided to enter into a serious relationship with Skyflakes (SF). Last Tuesday, it was over.


SF is an extremely nice guy, who would do anything to please his man. He’s loving, caring and almost always thinks of my interest before his’. I can only think of good words for him.


So what went wrong?


I thought that a good man could bring about the much-needed changes in me. That I’ll be contented to have a guy that loves me more than I deserve and could ever hoped for. I always believe that change is a self-imposed initiative – that the person should WANT to change and will do anything to see it’s realization. But I thought that what if maybe, just maybe, someone else (SF) can do it for me. I was so very wrong.


Very early into the relationship, I saw the end coming. Just when I finally decided to be monogamous just for once, temptations surfaced from every corner imaginable. It made me wonder why do they have to make their presence felt when I’m already taken (or is it)? And where were they all these time when I’ve been going at great lengths looking for them.


For a man who believes that the best way to handle temptations is to give in – my extra-curricular actives had disastrous consequences. Most of my conquests were fine, not asking for anything more than I could give them but there are those who became too insistent that I had to tell them off by saying that I’m already in a serious relationship. I still wanted SF more than all these guys put together.


As more and more guys and boy toys came, the lesser time and smaller space it became for SF and me. Yes, I was fooling around like a restless nympho but at the end of the day, when all is just I, myself and Complicated Dude, I’m still grateful that I have SF with me.


I found a little license to flirt with other guys on this premise – polygamous in actions but monogamous at heart. Which I later realized is the BIGGEST BULLSHIT ever!


As much as I want to continue this difficult set up, juggling guys and continuing my relationship, guilt had caught up with me sooner than I expected. I knew I had to come clean and to do it soon, before I hurt the one who loves me genuinely. It’s just not fair for SF; he need not pay for all my shortcomings.


I called it quits. The guilt and the lies were just too much for me to bear. I know I had hurt him but I just had to end it for both our benefits. I felt like the world’s lowliest shit after that. What’s less excusable was the fact that I did not tell him all these same reasons why I had broke up with him. I cited my need for independence and more space as the culprit. I had to put the blame on his honest and pure intentions. I lied that I felt all choked up with all his love and attention. I’m still trying to figure out what am I thinking then.


I guess I still wanted the life of a single, uncommitted guy than the security of a honest-to-goodness relationship. How I envy those guys who would stop at nothing jumping from guy #1 to their next available prey. The life of a player I enjoyed the most is definitely my comfort zone. Though tiring and lonely at times, I decided to go back at Singlesville.


To SF, I’m really sorry that I let you in into this very compromising situation. I know that you’ll be able to read this but these are the confessions you should’ve heard. I fully understand if you choose not to talk to me again.


Thank you and I’m sorry, SF. One thing will never change though – you will always be my first baby.