I never believed in gay relationships, though CX had somehow managed to bring out the hopeless romantic side of me. But still, I know that no matter how good it was, or it might have been - it won’t last. Too bad reality caught up with me when I’m still living a fairy tale life. After what happened, I am myself once again.

I started going out and hooking up with guys as soon as I my jetlag subsided. Every chance I got; I will surely go for it. Whether be it a movie-then-dinner-then-coffee date or a quick lay or what-have-you, anything that will take my mind off of CX, is always a welcome treat.

One of the guys I hooked up with is RJay.

RJay is also an accountant like me. He’s a little older but he’s far more accomplished than I am. He’s got an MBA and is on his way to getting his PHD, at the age of 27. Maybe because he’s been making love with books all his life that he’s still haven’t done IT at his age. Or the fact that he comes from a family of soldiers with strict military disciplines made him the most discreet, closeted, virgin gay guy I’ve met.

He hesitantly agreed to meet up with me on a supposedly no-strings attached, sex only date one Saturday night. I told him that I rarely hook up with guys if I won’t be getting laid after. He promised that he will at least try and he would have no issues doing it with me if we’re both into each other. He also wasted no time telling me that IF EVER he’ll be doing it, it will be with his boyfriend/lover or with a guy he has serious feelings with.

Without an assurance of a fuck, I went on to see him just the same. Who knows, he might not be my type at all.

He’s not exactly my ideal guy, though he seems likable enough for me. He’s dark, chubby and quite as tall as me. The only thing that did bother me is that he’s so straight-acting I can’t quite know how to act at first. Good thing though, that he LIKED me that much that he doesn’t even mind my sort of effeminate gait. He even joked that he couldn’t care less if I walk more effeminately as long as I wont be walking on stilettos :-p.

Hmmm… How on earth did he know about stilettos? I would have freaked out if he said “Manolo’s”.

Anyways, both being accountants, it wasn’t hard for us to find topics of conversations – favorite and most hated subjects, review professors and the day we took the board. As we get more personal into each other, I mean, as our conversation became more about each other than auditing, taxation and GAAP, I started imagining how things will be if we indeed end up with each other. We had an awful lot in common that I thought it would be really worth it if I give US a try – seriously.

More than a couple of times he mentioned that he really likes me. I was just brushing his comments off thinking that he’s only pulling my legs. But after he said something like how beautifully brown my eyes were, I realized that he’s really into me. Just as when we’re about to finish our frappucinos, I asked what’s his plan for the rest of the night. That time, I knew we had the same (evil) plan in mind.

He agreed to do it with me. Before the night ended, he was technically devirginized.

I would have wanted for us to go home after doing it, but I don’t wanna make it seem like I’m only after it. Upon his request, I agreed to spend the rest of the night with him.

Morning after - the reason why I wanted the night to end soon and one of the things I’m trying to avoid.

Ever have that feeling of waking up in bed with almost a complete stranger? I really can’t explain it but it’s that uncomfortable feeling thinking what your partner is thinking while you were sleeping and he woke up first before you. And he did. He was staring at me when I woke up it almost startled me. Not that I don’t like what I’m seeing with the daylights on but its not good waking up with someone staring at you.

I don’t know.

If we hadn’t spent the night together, I would have loved to do it with him again. Now, I might but not after a while.

I didn’t plan it, but I just lost interest...

Departure Lounge – NAIA November 12, 2005

While waiting for the announcement to board the NWA flight going to Houston, I received an unexpected call from CX. It has been a while since the last time that we’re together so I was really surprised that he bothered to wish me a safe trip in the very early hours of the morning on that day.

Our so-called friendship/relationship hadn’t progressed to anything after I started my stint on my new job and the end of his semestral break. Both of us were seeing other guys and/or absorbed with work and studies that I am considering what we had a by-gone encounter already that time.

The call just made the gray area of the question “Are we or are we not?” more defined. To settle whatever’s going on between us one last time before I leave the country, I blurted in the middle of sweet nothings:

Me: May babalikan pa ba ‘ko?
CX: Ano ka ba? 40 days lang naman. Don’t forget my pasalubong, ha?
ME: No problem. Just be a good boy, ok?
CX: I will. Don’t worry.

I took it as a yes.

Knowing that there’s someone waiting for me to come back made the training more bearable. At times when homesickness is getting the better of me, I will just try as much to call him until my prepaid cards run out of credit.

On my last night in Houston, finished with all the packing and the works, I picked up the phone to make my last international call to CX.

Or should I say, my LAST CALL.

There’s that definite bored tone in his voice. The usually sweet and excited CX I’ve been talking to every night for the last 30 days or so – is gone. I braved the worst.

Me: May boyfriend ka na?

I nonchalantly asked, almost in a matter-of-factly manner. In my head, I had wanted to ask “Have you found someone new?” but decided to act all cool about it.

CX: Oo.

I really hoped he’s only joking then. He didn’t sound dead serious or kidding but I just had to make a fool of myself. In the most pathetic, loser manner I queried:

Me: Ilan?

I shouldn’t have asked, I know. But my mind isn’t working properly, or even working at all, at the time. When he said that there’s only one, my world stopped. Or I wish it had.

There was dead air for like five minutes. I was just lying on my bed staring at the ceiling trying to digest what just happened. I was waiting for him to say something, perhaps sorry or an apology in any form, but he didn’t.

I took his lead, I’m not saying anything either. Even though I was at the very edge of exploding, I decided to just let it not affect me that very moment. I know even a sigh will give all what I’m feeling inside away.

I just wished him a Merry Christmas and a nanosecond after he said the same – I hung up.

The following morning, I left Houston with a broken heart. And to make matters worse, I still need to figure out how to survive what proved to be – the longest flight of my life.

I had my first and last post in forum threads of this site barely a week ago:


"Sorry, but I personally don't think that there are still SERIOUS (?) guys here at G4M who are into SERIOUS (?) relationships...Fat chance!

I'm not giving up hope though, if someone here can prove me wrong, then, by all means - try.

But...

Let's have sex first... "

********

That's what I wrote in my profile last week but now it seems that I’m gonna be eating all these words, hehehe…

I joined this site for one definite purpose – sex.

Yeah, it may sound preposterous, even cocky to some, but there was that time whenever I’m stressed out (from work or other things), I turn to sex for therapy. I started with Downelink but DL guys are less adventurous or should I say medyo matino. Then I found out about G4M. I heard that G4M guys are ‘game’. And I wasn’t about to be disappointed.

The first day that I signed up, I managed to hook up with a guy. It’s not that good but it was a rather fun start. I slowly learned the ropes how it is here in G4M. Soon enough, I was enjoying my stay in this site and getting what I came here for. And more…

But now, I had found the one. And me playing games with guys here are over.

It was quite an experience being a member of this site. It’s really fun while it lasted.

Thanks to all the G4M guys I made connections with. Most I fucked; some became friends/textmates/chatmates; a couple of jerks I wish I hadn't known; and one that broke my heart.

This site already served me its purpose, and I see no reason why I should still stay here. I’m deleting my account really soon. I wish you all the best.

This is mh@rl0n, signing off. Ü

To you, my love – this is all your fault, hehehe!

*******

Seryoso na po ito!