Can't help but to post this one. This is not my usual post about guys, being gay, work or my ever boring, pathetic life.

I went home early yesterday just to relax. I initially planned to hit some strings of my guitar sitting at the corner of my room. An appealing idea at first but when I was finally looking for my chord chart, I unexpectedly changed my mind and become too lethargic to even carry that stringed instrument. I can’t even find an effortless song to begin with that I settle to just sit beside the window and smoked the hours away ‘til I got sluggish.

As I was looking at the sky, the stars and the moon, I glimpsed something that made me close my eyes, and uttered a wish. Yes, I saw a falling star!

At my age, you would certainly say that I dump this “wishing upon a falling star” crap. That I am too old to believe in these childlike fairy tales and nursery rhymes.

I know that, I even consider that, making a wish when one sees a falling star a pathetic, humorous thought. Well, I guess I was at a satirical mode yesterday. Probably it’s just an automatic response to make a wish when you see a falling star.

And I was really looking for a sign before embarking on a new phase of my life. I am 25 and certainly not getting any younger. I think I am at the crossroads of my life, whether going ahead, stepping back and taking each sides are an altogether different options.

Wishing upon that falling star, I have this feeling that this process of choosing which road to take wouldn’t be that difficult.

Someone recently got my ire when she remarked that she wouldn't let her husband alone with me for fear of me harassing her lovey dovey. As if? Am I that guy crazy, dick hungry gay or I am just too beautiful and a real threat that I usually receive this kind of remarks/flattery? I remember an incident, which happened recently.

I was at a birthday party of with my gay friends last Saturday. Though this is not an "all gay night out" party, most of the guests were gays with a few straight couples that attended. One of the straight guys was actually a classmate back in high school and we're really surprised seeing each other and that the celebrant was a common friend.  

My gay friends were suspecting at first if ever me and former classmate were an item.  I cannot really blame them coz when my ex-classmate and his wife arrived, he seems to be following me around and even insisted on sitting next to me. His wife chose to hang out with her celebrant cousin and some girl friends.  

My gay friends and I were having a blast with former classmate, who seemed not to run out of embarrassing stories about our adventures and misadventures of our high school days, which most had me as the central and main character. After two hours of drinking, laughing and telling corny jokes, I asked a gay friend to accompany me to the nearest convenience store to buy cigarette. But since most of my gay friends are either too wasted or lazy to even stand up, former classmate volunteered to give me a ride. His wife heard of this at the adjoining table and blurted:  

"Wag na, delikado ka jan."  

It didn't sink in to me at first what she meant but after her husband retorted:  

"Ano ka ba? Barkado ko si Marlon."  

I knew then something's not right. I initially thought that she's talking about the danger of driving under the influence or going to the store in the wee hours had I not heard what the exchange was really all about.  

There was a lull and awkward silence at the place and her supposedly innocent, bitchy wife maliciously joked:  

"Baka anong gawin sa 'yo ng BARKADA mong 'yan? Hahahaha!"  

My gay friends were all looking at me and somehow waiting for my retaliation. They knew that I do not usually take these things sitting down and without a honest-to-goodness, full-pledged gay bitchy answer.  

"Don't worry, darling. He's not my type. Nothing will happen to him, I assure you that. And if ever will... not in this lifetime!"

But I'm not finished yet.  

"But since you had given me an idea, why not? Lamang-tiyan din yan!"

The latter part elicited laughs and hysterics from almost everyone. Even former classmate was laughing his head off. I was about to apologize to his wife and tell her that I don't even meant half of it when I saw her half-smiling, half-smirking face and noticeably dagger looks. She left me no choice but to be a recipient of a "You and your sharp tongue deserved it!" look. I hated her.  

We (me and former classmate) did go to the convenience store, alone. And his wife... well.... she's right all along. I was still fuming mad at his wife when I suddenly realized that I was alone with a really cute guy. All this time I haven't noticed that he'd grown to a definite hunk. I don't know if it’s the alcohol or whatever but SOMETHING did happen inside that car. I would not elaborate any further but if ever his wife would find out, all to say is: Trust your instincts!  

As for me: Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy Me! Hahaha! 

 
What would you do if an officemate/colleague you considered a friend and confidant commits an act of betrayal towards you for the sake of professional advancement?
A friend of mind is experiencing a dilemma of being in this situation. Over cups of mocha and choco fraps and sticks of cigarettes, she dissected to me the events that led to her frustration and agony. Being personally criticized by a close colleague over a petty incident blown out of proportion had caused her to look for a listening ear [outlet/waste basket] that happened to be me at the time.

With all the reasoning that I could muster, I told her that it’s not her fault if that officemate/so – called friend is currently under an insecurity spell. But she’s still bothered that such a trivial incident would escalate to an awful battle at the corporate ladder. After throngs of advices and insights, which doesn’t seem to make any difference to her problem, I blurted an out of sync and overly sym[pathetic] encouragement:

“It’s not your fault that you have the brains that they envy and can only dream of!”
Which had somehow added to her confusion and dilemma.

Then, I suddenly remembered this passage/thought I stumbled upon somewhere/something I can’t remember:

“In dealing with snakes’ bites, you have to suck the venom and spit it out before it poisons you.”  

She immediately understood the analogy and announced that we can move over to the next less – stressing topics and just relax the night away.

Truly, in this corporate jungle that we are currently in; company politicking, mudslinging and being victimized by the office grapevines and gossip – mongers, actually do exist and such are considered a given variable every employee should [learn to] deal with. Awful as it is, that’s the corporate reality.

To you my friend, my 98 cents worth I wasn’t able to tell you last night: Power – hungry and ego – tripping bigwig wannabes had mastered, and still mastering this art [of bulldozing their way to the top] for reasons that will make us puke once we find out. They are even worse than those who are in position because of nepotism [its not what you know, but WHO you know practice]. I personally reserve them the credit for what they’re due and somehow see it as a smart tactic, career – wise. Though smart as they are, remember that person of disposition knows better.

Since last Friday, I am secretly waiting for Jim's text and call but my phone wouldn't beep.

Last night though, the exchange of SMS goes like this:

Jim: hi, musta na u? bakit di ka na txt?

Me: ei jim, kinda bz l8ly. m fine nman. dami lang talaga work, u, musta n?
(what i really wanna say: i dont wanna text you coz you're the most pathetic thing i ever see! too bad im falling for you, again.)

Jim: ok nman me, mis n nga kita eh. kailn ulit tayo mit?

Me: mis u n rin. basta, il txt u if i hav tym. or text me pag free ka, k?
(what i really wanna say: 'miss you' your ass! you're only in it for sex, same as me! so, what fits? i'll text you when im in the mood, or if you are. )

Jim: k. tc!

This is hard. I really wanna make this guy pay for the hurt he caused me. How will I manage to get out of this shithole I'm in? I want vendetta, too bad I just CAN'T do it!

Yes, for the nth time, I still can’t get over this guy. After months of not seeing each other, Jim and I spend the night at his place last Tuesday. We sort of made up for the lost time, he would not even allow me to go home even if were in almost the same vicinity. I SMSd my sister that I have a deadline to beat and I won’t be coming home til morning. I had to stay over the night and tell Mom not to worry; all the time I’m only meters away from our house. I missed him so much that I readily jumped in the opportunity of being him with him.
 
The following day, Wednesday, he told me that he would be coming to Ortigas so that we can go to his place, again, together. I was with my bestfriend at the Strip wasting the hours away, and told him that I can wait for him. I thought that we wouldn’t be seeing each other soon. I already said ok when I realized that I still don’t know if he’s not committed or not. I hadn’t had the chance to ask him the day before; I just know that he’s done with his long distance lover, or so he says! Maybe this is just another one of his ploys when he needs to release those internal body heats. I suddenly decided not to go wait for him and just go home but Cecil, my bestfriend, is convincing me to give it a try and just wait for him. She decided to go so I went with her to wait for the bus. While waiting for the bus, I received a message that he’s already at our meeting place and he’s been waiting for at least 10 minutes. I just told him I’m accompanying a friend to get a ride. After 30 minutes of painstakingly standing for in the loading/unloading zone, Cecil decided to just take the train.
 
I was hoping to find an irritated Jim but he was there, smiling at me, he’s really cute this time, huh! I was about to deliver my apology for being late when he insisted we have dinner first. He’s really sweet! I think I’m beginning to fall for him again. This feeling sucks.
 
We went to his place and spent the next two hours talking, about us, his lovers, my lovers, work, everything. I’m glad we didn’t end up in bed this time. He told me that he’s really glad that we we’re able to talk again, seriously this time. And how sorry he is about the last time. It had been long over I said and I’ve already forgiven him a long time ago. I had to beg him to let me go home, my mother has been bugging me with questions about the night I didn’t go home.
 
Yesterday, he sent an SMS asking me if I can come to his place, since he will be the only one there as all those in their household is going to Laguna. He said that he cooked something for me, and that I should really go or else I will regret it, which was only a joke. I wonder what this guy is up to right now since he confessed before that he was a lousy cook. I went there, as expected, only to find out that all he has is pizza. He told me he just wanted to see me and he can’t think of any reason to convince me. I just smiled and kissed him, I don’t care about the pizza, which has ham and bacon toppings, eewww! I haven’t told him that I’m not eating pork and beef anymore but I that can certainly wait. That time I had a more important matter to attend to.

I met Jim around the same month two years ago. It was a one-night stand, which turned out to be a weekly rendezvous. I don’t usually befriend those that I met and slept with but with him, it was different. We really hit it off, in bed that is! I think our bodies we’re meant for each other. In less than a month, we’re officially fuck buddies. I don’t mind really, he’s in a relationship (long distance) that time so I don’t have to commit to anything deeper than that.

Jim is a really sweet guy. He loves caressing and hugging and embracing, which I’m totally into. I have no complains when he’s all over me, the fact that he is chubby (I’m into chubby guys) makes me want to cuddle him more. He’s also the first one to actually brought me home with him and even had the guts to introduce me to his parents the morning after. His family approved of his sexual preference that had really caught me off-guard. I never knew that such approving (consenting) parents do exist. I can almost tell that I’m blushing that moment.

What made him more special than most guys I met is that he kisses me after we made love. It is such a wonderful feeling that that act of gratitude can really make one fall for him. I guess this time I’m beginning to fall for Jim. It was ok at first but I suddenly realized that I am demanding time and effort from him more than necessary.

Then I finally decided to spring the news on him, which is I am beginning to fall in love with him, unintentionally. He was surprised at first but he managed to say, “So, what do you want?” I answer that I would like to take things one step further to which he replied “You can have my body, but never my heart”, speaking of his lover. I was dumbfounded but still managed to crack “I just wanna see how you’ll react, and your reaction’s sucks!” I don’t want to hear those hurtful words again, ever.

I decided to end my so – called relationship with him, but to no avail. My resolution of avoiding him vanishes into thin air every time he would call me and hearing his voice I missed so much. I can’t help it but every time I decided not to fall prey to him, I always end up doing the opposite. But things were not smoother this time around either; we had become confrontational with each other. His main issue was about me being too demanding and me about being his other one. Fights would ensue but we almost end up in bed despite hurtful words thrown at each other. It sometime came to a point where I would initiate a confrontation just so that we would eventually “kiss and make up”.

It ended the last time we saw each other. It was coincidental that we were in a really crowded place that fateful day when someone just grabbed me by the arm, turned out to be him, and insisted we talk. I was hesitant at first coz he’s really drunk and wasted. I don’t know how he managed to be there at the time. I was really avoiding making a scene so I just obliged, which turned out to be a big mistake. He was getting vulgar and sleazy by the second and had I not controlled myself, I would slap him right there and then. The words were “You’ve been the best cocksucker who ever sucked me!” I would have been flattered really if not for all the people who are just an earshot from where we were. I walked out on him and that was the end of it. I cried once home and trying not to blame myself for the humiliation.

Last Tuesday, we met again, coincidentally. He’s so much better now, I can tell from afar. I was not surprised that he and his lover were finally over. Not that I’m expecting the news but I know long – distance relationships rarely works. He’s a lot cuter now from the last time we saw each other. I felt like I’m in to another roller – coaster ride with him.

Why is it that when you’re finally over someone, he comes back to make your life miserable anew and disrupt your peaceful existence?

All this time I thought that I was finally over Jim. But was I ever wrong? Once I’m done with guys, I’m done with them. There’s always an exception and he is definitely the one exception. I don’t know if this is love, obsession or whatever. I certainly missed Jim but I don’t want history to repeat itself, with me on the losing end. I am thinking of getting even with him for the humiliation he caused me the last time, but doubting myself to pull that off. I’m also thinking of taking these things seriously for a change but I can’t afford being hurt in the end. Paranoid? Maybe. I really don’t know. I’m in a terrible shit right now.

At 25, I feel like most people don’t take me too seriously. That I can’t make decisions on my own and that people always make me feel like I am doing the wrong things about career move, guys to get on with, my lifestyle and what have you. Much as I want to, I really can’t blame them coz, at the back of my mind, that’s my real intention and just only as a front to a deeper, more sensible me, hahaha! I like it when people underestimate me, and catching them off-guard when they realized I’m way better than most of them.

And what’s all that about to do with this blog? None! Actually, one of the pretending-to-be-second-rate tool that I use is I indulge in vices like drinking, flirting with guys (?), and smoking. Among these, it is my puffing indulgence with Marlboro Menthol Lights that has garnered the most number of votes as the guilty pleasure I should do away with. Why is that? When people find out that I started smoking at early as 14, all the gasp, bewilderment and look of shock on their faces makes one think that I only have a year to live or that one of my lungs is not working anymore.

Most of my friend who smokes confesses that they only started smoking either during their college days or they already have a job to support their vices. I am not surprised, that was my initial plan really, back when I am still a young and innocent 14-year old. Things changed when I transferred to another school during my sophomore high school year. Coming from another school, it was the first time of my academic life being in an ordinary class… meaning not the pilot, star, honor section. Being a smart –aleck kid that I really am, I see my classmates as second – rate, poor souls trying very hard to pass those elementary quizzes. I was a loner for a while, my classmates avoiding me probably for fear of receiving sermons on studying hard and concentrating on their studies. I loosened up a bit, trying hard not to be the number one all the time. Not surprisingly, I started gaining friends, though not the “good” ones but those that are what they call “teachers’ enemy #1”: late – comers, cutting-ers, cheaters belonging to the “cool” crowd. I don’t know, but that’s when I started enjoying my life as a teenager. Me and my newfound friends would endlessly cut classes, getting the ire of those terror teachers but we couldn’t care less. We would meet outside school and when the roll call for the group is complete, off we go to Megamall.

On those trips to the mall, that is when I learn how to smoke. It started with mere amazement of how my high school friends can produce halo – like puffs. I just wanted to learn that trick so I decided to try it. With constant practice in the bathroom in front of the mirror, I did learn that halo smoke thingy among others like the bridge, reciting the alphabet without smoke coming out of your mouth, etc. It really feels great when you can pull that stuff at a young age, elders who would see us in the mall do these smoking tricks have disgust and surprise written all over their faces.

Being cool is being bad is the rule of the game that time. Your trip to the guidance counselor will be the whole week topic of the cutting-ers’ tambayan, the one with the most number of trips regarded as the “coolest” one. Most of my offenses were, “caught smoking inside school premises” or “possession of prohibited paraphernalia”, what else but packs of cigarettes. There’s no stopping me that time, even some of my idiotic teachers are threatening me of expulsion or failing marks. I wondered how I managed to graduate despite.

My high school life might be the worst years of my life academically, but certainly the best in terms of having fun, being rebellious and those unforgettable adventures and misadventures. I learned most of the things one can learn outside the four corners of the classroom: like cutting classes, being a certified cheater par excel lance, how to pull off those guidance trip without your parents knowing, and smoking.

I would definitely not advice anyone to smoke, though some branded me as BI or bad influence because those non – smokers who became close to me eventually smoke; my best friend, all my college barkadas and my cousins even my former boss. I really don’t talk them into smoking but when they ask me why I am smoking, all I say is, “Its my number one stress – reliever”. It really is, I don’t know how I had managed those all-nighters during my CPA review if I don’t have a pack of Marlboro Menthol Lights with me. There’s no telling that smoking is one of the reasons that is attributable to me passing the board.

This has been a long one, considering all it is about is smoking crap. But smoking is one of my guilty pleasures and you wouldn’t see me without a stick or two at cafes, bars, Robinson’s Galleria and other malls (except SM). Not in the near future anyway.

After seven years since they last won a PBA Conference championship, in 1997 as Gordon’s Gin Kings, Ginebra emerged as the winner in the recently concluded PBA Gran Matador Fiesta Conference last night.

I was a die – hard Ginebra fan before, sometimes to the extent of being a fanatic. Back in those days when Jaworski Sr. and Jr., David, Aquino, Hizon, Locsin, Jarencio, Gayoso, Feihl, Ong, Cheng and company still comprise the ball squad. I was really ecstatic when they won. Aside from seeing your favorite team winning the championship series, what makes it sweeter than it already is, is the fact that the losing team on the other end is the one I hated the most. I am a definite Alaska – basher that every time Ginebra beats them, I am the happiest, most jubilant fan there is. But when it’s the other way around, I am cursing them to death. If cursing words are as lethal as electrocution, Lastimosa, Abarrientos and company don’t stand a chance.



For me, it was the most glorious team they ever had. After that memorable win, I was as staunch supporter of the team as ever. I watched their games as if my life is on the line. Nothing matters but to see them win.

I slowly started losing interest when every time I watched their games on TV, all I am witnessing are disappointing losses: back-to-back-to-back, or almost winning their games but not quite for the nth time. It’s very frustrating indeed for a die – hard fan like myself. I prayed to high heavens just so that they would play really well and will win eventually. Also, the league’s trading of the ball clubs’ players helped in my diminishing ardor for Ginebra team. One by one, Ginebra players started transferring to other teams for better pay. I ask myself: “Where’s the Ginebra pride in these players?” I felt like these cagers whom I supported all throughout betrayed me. Not long after, Jaworski Sr. entered politics as a senatorial candidate and bid his basketball career and Ginebra, goodbye.

That proved to be the final straw. He is the only saving grace and the only reason why I still have faith in the team. When he left, my admiration for the team reached its all – time low. It became just a molecular iota from being the insurmountable amount of admiration, fanaticism and loyalty as it once was. Though its not totally gone or eradicated, I really had no interest in them anymore. I do not watched their games as often as before. When I heard of their wins: “Well and good.” If they lose: “What’s new?” I didn’t care whether they win or lose, entered the finals or not.

The only remnant of that 1997 Gordon’s Gin championship team this time is Bal David. All those faces I’ve seen last night celebrating were just mere, blank, unfamiliar faces. It’s like looking at your old house with new tenants in it. I don’t know if its because of age, maturity or I had become more interested in other things that I have outgrown being a Ginebra fan. A new generation of Ginebra fans have probably emerged, and as for a former generation of fans, like me, I feel like and outsider looking in.

I am contemplating what would be the best title for this post, from “Farewell, Sir Gary” (too mushy), to “Pre – holiday Get Together” (not quite!). I ended up with this pathetic title.

Last July 1st, the team under the Controller’s Group, as spearheaded by Ms. Tintin Velasquez and Ms. Irene Gevela, planned some sort of send – off party/dinner for our outgoing boss, Gary Manotoc. The venue is Saisaki restaurant at Megamall. All of us have finished the tasks for the day, or at least pretended to have finished everything before the 6 o’clock buzzer. Me, as always, had nothing productive to do by four so I was basically slacking the remaining two hours. To look like there’s nothing going on and so that Sir Gary won’t suspect a thing, we decided to go out in intervals. Some probably had taken this too seriously that Gary arrived at Saisaki ahead of them (Rona, Tine B. and company).

Dinner was good. I never had so much Japanese food in my entire life, so much that I decided to ignore those chopsticks for a month.

Some of the highlights (?), booboos and funniest moments last Thursday are:

1. Grace and Tine B’s supposed production number didn’t push through, to everyone’s disappointment. Too bad, they had their costumes with them.
2. A very unforgettable speech from Sir Gary, who had nothing to say but “I’m speechless!” (Duh?)
3. Tine G. had to forego her dietary regimens and Slimmer’s World classes because of the sumptuous, delicious and finger – licking Japanese cuisine in front of us. Can’t blame her really. I just wish I also had the tummy to wolf down that multi – scoops of ice cream.
4. One scene – stealer for the night was the Saki drink, which tastes very, very, very yucky! I promise not to drink this beverage again my entire life. I had to control myself from throwing up as the first drops of this forbidden drink touched my taste buds. What is the grossest thing I ever tasted? Definitely, this one.
5. Unveiling of (drum rolls!!!!!!!!) the so – called token for our beloved superior, a caricature with Sir’s ever-quotable quotes.



6. Can somebody tell Tine B. to give up that dream of hers of being a professional photographer? This Sandara look – alike is camera happy and has penchant for capturing stolen shots with our mouths wide open eating those maki, sushi and sashimi! Good thing I am naturally photogenic.
7. The best that happened that was that Grace had found the guy of his dreams, Eric. I can only look at her with envy. Some girls have all the luck!


Too bad I had to go ahead of them for prior commitments I had to attend to. But all in all, we will surely miss Sir Gary. We’ll surely miss pretending to be working when he’s around, hehehe! That eternal “What are you doing?” line every morning, and that titanic water jug of his!