When I entered into my first serious relationship, or more appropriately when I started looking for one, I stopped frequenting my then favorite haunt of potential boyfriend/s. Though I honestly believed that the possibility of finding one in that sinfully addicting place is less than zero, I risked the option of hoping to find a more tamed and serious soul. Who knows if he's just lurking in one of its dark corners, right?


The search was, needless to say, a definite disappointment. All I found were fakers, players, lousy liars and people who have got more hang-ups than all the issues I had in my life put together.


There are those who claim to be as just beginners, trying on new adventures and experiences but as they started boasting endlessly about the number of guys they've met in that same venue, there's no telling twice that they have lifetime membership.Others will tell you that you've been the best, greatest, and all the flattering superlatives you all heard before, that you had to prevent yourself from laughing out loud or blurting:


"Gasgas na 'yan, i.edit mo naman kahit konti!"


The few serious ones had confessed that they are really looking for a real relationship and trying their chances in that doomed place. Little did they know that I already figured out 'love-on-the-rebound' warning signs even before they asked me for a date.


Them, and among others.


Just recently, being free and single again I decided to pay this place another visit. There are loads of guys for sure and it was a field day for me. After some two hours of relinquishing my throne as Mr. Bachelor gay guy, living my life as the most available and sought after catch (as if?), I had a cig break in one of its various amenities. As I was solemnly enjoying the relaxing and calming effect of nicotine, I then noticed this guy who had been smiling at me since I arrived.


He looks familiar, and I thought he's just one of the regular guys that I usually bumped into in that place before. Not a while after that he approached me and asked for a light. His smile is now more apparent than the previous ones that he's giving me.


As I got a closer inspection of the stranger, fuck! I know him. He looked too familiar for a stranger now. He's one of those that I had hooked up not too long ago. Before I can say anything, he said:


"Sabi ko na nga ba e, you didn't recognize me. How are you?"


How could I forget? Jeffrey, of course.


"I'm pretty fine, thanks. I see you're looking good. Pumayat ka ha! Your gym hours obviously paid off. Galing mo, pare!"


"Hindi nga eh. Ganon pa rin naman, di ba? I'm still as chubby as ever."


Is he being modest or was just trying to catch a more convincing remark from me? I swear he DID lost weight.


"Hindi. You really look better now. Oy, belated happy birthday pala. I forgot to greet you eh."


His birthday, as vividly as I can remember, is July 27. He even promised to treat me to a fancy dinner then.


"Ha? Layo pa kaya ng birthday ko. January 27 pa. Are you sure you remember me?"


"Oo naman. I really thought you said July 27."


Which was really funny coz I always have a very sharp memory. Maybe it's not really him because it's a little dark there or maybe its one of my few memory lapses. But he's Jeffrey. He had to be.


Just then, a gay couple approached us and said hi to Jeffrey. My territorial instincts made me wrap around my arms on Jeff's waist as the guy is showing conspicuous interest in him. A gesture which obviously didn't escape the guy's attention as he commented:


"It seems that you too are having fun. Nakakainggit kayo, pare. Ang sweet n'yo! Pakilala mo naman kami!"


Jeff then made an introduction but before I got round to getting the guy's name, the three of them started talking almost simultaneously. Over the babble, I asked the guy what's his name again. Still, I didn't figure out the rest of what he said but I definitely heard him say Randy.


"Randy?" I asked for confirmation.


"Hey, I am Randy." Jeff said. Whatever!


"Yeah! I was talking to you, RANDY."


I might've been so unconvincing when I said that that Jeffrey or Randy started laughing. Good thing the couple excused themselves and left us to ourselves. I'm quite sure I was blushing with embarrassment.


After Randy had contained himself, he asked me if I really remember him or not. I said that I do recognize him though I'm not really sure what his name is. He then started on to narrate how our first meeting came to be. As he went on, I started to remember every minute detail about our previous encounter. Jeffrey's definitely an entirely different person.


He also said that he's been visiting the place at the day and time that he met me hoping to catch me doing the rounds in what he assumed was my routine visit. I just said that I'd been very busy with work and among other things that's why I'm not going there as often as I want to. That and with a mental note to self not to go to that place during those hours. I can't face Randy after that one major booboo of my name-remembering skills. I guess, I don't wanna embarrass myself anymore.


As a courtesy, we left the place together and I decided to drop him to his place. On the way, I purposely told him that I'll be VERY busy the coming months. That it may take ages before I got into the swing of things again. I'm just not sure if he got the message.


Lesson learned: Less talk, less mistakes.


.....

I already have a draft of my supposedly next post after Confessions. But certain events and a certain someone have been occupying my thoughts lately.


I knew this guy from this website, XY, to whom I was instantly attracted to. Chubby, innocent-looking and has chest hairs! I can't quite find one that will somehow pique my peculiar fancy. But there he was! I knew I had to know him more. I just had to. I made the first move which I rarely do. I deliberately smooth talk my way against his defenses coz he's really suspicious at first. But boy, oh boy! When he asked for my number, I know my proven tactics worked again for the nth time.


But my SMSs, I found out, were more lethal. He wasted no time telling me he likes me, even though we haven't met personally. I, on the other hand, kept dropping hints that the bed is the only place for him to be. Cocky as it may sound but I'm pretty aggressive when it comes to this aspect. After which he told me that he never will consent to a sex on the first date. Yeah, right! If he's into playing games, why not give him one, I thought.


Giving someone the cold shoulder is one of the most effective way of sending your point across. My messages were less friendly - no winks, no smileys and with least characters that I was able to use. Surely, one would noticed you're making the least effort when the replies you're giving were all "k". When he asked if he had said or did anything that might've offended me, I stopped texting him.


Though he still says hi from time to time, I already decided not to pursue him for I had other guys to deal with that time. I did not delete his number though.


This week, I suprised him with a rather friendly message and saying that I had been very busy at work. The reason why I'm not texting him that much. Besides, I really missed flirting with him. He thought that I decided to end our communication and that I don't wanna be friends with him anymore. Of course I said all the sweet words on the contrary. That same day when my name resurrected in his phone inbox, he told me that he's got a job already. That he's also working in Ortigas Center. What's more coincidental is that were both working in the same building, only floors away.


We finally decided to meet up after office hours that day. And man, was he cute or what? Innocent looking eyes, sweet nose and killer smile. But what really made me drool at him like a sleepy puppy were those lips. He's got to have the most kissable pink lips I ever laid my eyes on, I felt like salivating.


Like most eyeballs and meet ups, we were both shy and calculating at first. But fifteen minutes into our talk and were sharing private jokes already.


I like him for sure. And my instincts tells me that it's mutual. But I know he's still on his guards and was trying hard to hide his feelings. Too bad for him coz it's written all over his face. To make matters worse for him or me, I kept myself at a safe distance. No physical contact, not yet.


We went inside the Podium as he needs to use the john. While waiting for him outside, I tried to analyse what's the meet up was all about. I think he likes me but I could be wrong. As I was mulling over these thoughts, he's done. We then decided to stroll around the mall.


Something might have happened somewhere because he acted way differently after his trip to the john. He suddenly became too cozy and sweet. Brushing his hand against mine, leaning at my shoulders and whispering words in my ears. I had to muster all the self-control that I have not to give in to the signs he's throwing at me. I can't even hold his hand for he might think that I'm too fast, too aggressive. We agreed to have lunch together the following days.


Day number two is quite uneventful for he's back to his old self. Which is pretty fine coz I'm already having struggles inside my head.


The following day is definitely strike number three. We had a rather fast lunch of sandwiches and decided to hang out for a while to smoke. After our first cigarettes, he asked me if I wanted to join him in his car to take a nap for he's got a two-hour lunch break. Even if I had only an hour break, I joined him for I know that I will regret it had I not.


We're just there inside his car. Him napping and me texting my friends. I thought that he was sleeping but when I got a call for a job interview (my phone's on a silent mode so as not to disturb him) and needed a pen and paper so I can jot down notes, he immediately gave me the things I needed as if on cue. I know he was conscious and can't really sleep with my presence. I told him to just ignore me and do as he pleases.


I was a bit surprised at what he did after. He leaned on my shoulder and held my hand. He instructed me to recline my seat so that our bodies were level with each other. God knows how I had wanted that moment to happen. All I had to do was to seize the opportunity. He's in front of me for the taking. I let it pass. I don't want him to have the idea that I was taking advantage of him. And I don't mind a bit if I wait after some time.


But I was never good at temptations and I guess will never be. When he started playing with my ears, whispering sweet nothings, all my defenses and self-control vanished within nanoseconds. I looked at his eyes for anys sign of resistance but all I saw was dying anticipation. We just had to do the most natural thing we know we should do - we kissed!


It was short and sweet. But I definitely won't forget that moment. If I can have that moment freeze forever, I would certainly have it.


Now before any of you guys think that we're already a couple, we're not. I am pretty much aware of things as to why I'm not completely pursuing him at the moment. And I should really not get into dangerous waters if I want this to continue.


The deal is - he's already living-in with a guy but they're not (yet) committed. That my chances right now is definitely less than zilch. Part of me is arguing that if he's still entertaining me, he must be looking for something else - or something more. Maybe he found that something in me, or not. I really don't know. It's too risky for me to get more attached than I already am at the moment.