“i nid a lover ryt now.. some whos for a serious and monogamous relationship.. a relationship that will fullfill its purpose and give essence to its true and deeper meaning. i really nid someone wholl love and who will not hurt me.. im so freakin fed up. they hurt me so muchhhhh,,..,,,,, pls... if ur goin to hurt me.. just inform me before hand.. so that i may not waste any moment wid you.. if ull hate me.. thenn i deserve somone better...”


While browsing thru hundreds of guys’ profiles at G4M, this one profile blah had me re-reading its content. Instead of being discouraged by it's seemingly SMS-like spellings and over-usage of punctuations, the raw emotions encapsulated in the passage above struck a chord in me that I immediately messaged the owner of that account.


25 Sep 2005, 21:22
Me: dude, im also looking for a serious relationship like you. maybe we can try, marlon here.


25 Sep 2005, 22:12
Him: hi.. well why not.. im (name withheld). btw. 18.b.pque... well i just hope that age is not a problem with you.. here's my number if u wanna.. 0921******* and may i ask for ur password pls.. thnx


25 Sep 2005, 22:46
Me: let's do away with the password, honey. for now, i mean.

the pic behind it is of no importance, really.

btw, got my sms already?


25 Sep 2005, 22:53
Him: honey??? geez... ur bit faster.. haha. well anyway.. im leavin i still have a class. well what if ur honey insisted for the password.. what would you do.. ???


25 Sep 2005, 22:56
Me: i have no other option but to give in, i guess.... just dont take it too seriously, ok?

private password attached: ********


25 Sep 2005, 22:58
Him: cool


25 Sep 2005, 23:01
Me: ei, kailan ka ba free? i want to meet u soon. 0917*******


I asked myself if I’m really ready for a serious relationship. Though I really can't tell at the time why I had to say that I wanted it, too. I guess I’m in my usual “mambobola” mode.


I was instantly attracted to him physically, yes. But what worried me and had me re-evaluating my intentions for him is his age. I mean, can an 18-year old guy change Complicated Dude?


I have had hell-ish and forgettable encounters with below 20’s guys and it came to a point when I had to discourage guys younger than me. But the older guys I’m meeting lately are just too hard to please and those guys belonging in my age bracket are just in it for sex. As one friend had said:


“He’s a G4M guy, what do you expect?”


I had to agree on that; I myself is constantly spending hours on end looking for desirable and available bottoms that can satisfy my carnal needs. And for more than a couple of times already that I had to travel out of Manila just to meet and hook up with these guys.


Something’s telling me not to pursue this guy, to spare this kid the hurt and all the drama of living an alternative (gay) lifestyle. Is it my conscience, perhaps?


One thing I know for sure, though. Rather than to wallow and think of all the possible what-ifs and could-have-beens, I know I won’t rest til I find out for myself.


He SMSed me that same night and gave his house number. The first of the many telephone lines-burning conversations we’re going to have.


to be continued...