Why I agreed to CX’s proposal of an open relationship, I still don’t know. Though dating other guys is not really a bed, I mean bad thing, I would still prefer to have an honest-to-goodness, serious and exclusive relationship with him if given the chance.


I thought that the setup would be advantageous for me but I’m starting to convince myself that it is. I’m really not so sure now. It lessens the guilt every time I’m out with other guys, yes, but I keep on wondering what if I am with CX instead of other guys, I’d definitely be loads happier.


Playing this kind of game is really no issue for me. I can definitely say that I’m quite used to this already but I’m beginning to realize that CX is not as oriented to these dealings as he thinks he is.


He would check up on my whereabouts once in a while and would be slightly irritated if I tell him that I’m out with someone. A couple of times he had questioned me why I was making the least efforts to communicate with him.


See, I was trying to have as much space between us because I thought that that’s what he wanted. His actions are just showing me otherwise. I just wish that -


he won’t say that he misses me terribly…


that he’s sad that we won’t get to go out as much coz I’ve got work already…


that he’s not as happy when he’s with other guys as he is when we’re together.


Much had been the same for me but I’m not going to tell him that, of course!


He told me that he had to be sure of his feelings first before we enter a real relationship. That he also wanted to explore the field and have other options aside from me. I’d given him that space but he’s dropping his guards too soon. He’s getting attached to me more than he should and it’s beginning to disturb me.


His interrogations about my dates had been a concern lately. At first he was all cool (I thought) with it but at that point when he was asking for their numbers resulted to me drawing the lines (he himself made) for him. Good thing that I only went as far as to telling him that I’m going out on casual, friendly, getting-to-know-you dates. Had he known that it’s usually more intimate than that, I don’t know how he’s going to handle it.


If he can only say that we stop this game, I’d be more than willing to oblige. He doesn’t know this but I had committed myself for him already. I’m just seeing other guys for the sake of it but ultimately I would want to end up with him or no one at all for that matter. My closest friends tried talking me into proposing to him again but they’re also aware that I’m too proud so they’re not pushing it. It’s not going to happen. The proposal had to come from him this time. I already had my turn and this is where it brought us.


All he has to do is ask. I don’t want to do anything but wait.


Honestly, I’m in too deep in this already but I’m still managing to keep a seemingly strong and unaffected stance. I just hope that I can hold onto it longer before my defenses collapse. My problem is I’ve already fallen for him…


Hard.