I mentioned in my jaded post about this guy I am going out with. I don't have any romantic feelings for this guy but I have yet to call it quits for I still have to get what I want.

Naughty? I know...

We agreed to spend the weekend at his place, for us to know each other in a more intimate and personal light. Truth is, that's not what I'm really after.

It didn't push through. Good thing. It could've been an added guilt for me. I really thought that that was the end of it, until he made his presence felt last night by sending a text message. Let's just call this guy Will, and following are our SMS conversation:

Will: Hi bhe mustah na
Me: Hi Will! Am glad u txt me. Wat hapend last saturday? Enwayz, I did s0me evaluati0n about us & i realizd dat im n0t yet ready 4 any relati0nship ryt n0w, serious or n0t. Ders n0thing wr0ng wit u, its me. My lyf sucks ryt now, ayw ko ng mgdgdg p. Focus lng muna ako s career ko, bka my mngyari p s buhay ko.
Will: Why naman im sorry kung hndi ako nakapagtxt sayo last sat kc inasikaso ko yung lola inilbas ko kc sya sa ospital dont be mad with me sorry na
Me: Im n0t mad or anythng, its just dat i cant find it in my heart 2 giv bak wat ur giving me. Im so sori, ddnt mean it 2 b dis way. Ur rili nyc, u dserv sm1 beter.
Will: Its ok pero i hope we become good friends alam mo naiiyak ako ngyn love u
Me: Pls d0nt, i d0nt deserv those tears. Friendshps d only thng i can offer u, pero wag muna ngy0n, cguro if ur totally over me nlang. Ikw rin mhihirapan. Sorry. =(
Will: Pwede k bng tawagan ngayn if u dont mind
Me: Wg nlang, pls? I d0nt wanna make it harder 4 u dan it already is. Gud nyt!
Will: Ok

I just hope he'll be the last one. I know and play this game with such panache but it still sucks. Jaded as I am, I'm guilty.

And sad...

And tired...

New skin!

I’d been pondering for quite sometime now to change the look of my blog. Searching through a wide array of skins and plates available, I ended up with this one.

There’s nothing really special with this skin, I can’t even pinpoint exactly what made me use it. Its not the color and definitely not the image used as background. I just had to have this skin.

It’s a refreshing look, to say the least. With it’s serene, peaceful and tranquil beach setting, purple sky and a couple running towards the shore – is just the right mood that I’m looking for. What mood? Lets just say that I’m looking for something not too loud but not so bland background to my blog.

Some of my friend’s stated that [my] picture I used as a header image before was too large and distracting and that the focus is not on the blogs themselves but on my pathetic picture. I guess they're right. Too bad I only realized it now, after three months of staring at it at the front of my computer screen.

It was a good one, though. In the sense that the former skin was enhancement – friendly - I had a tagboard, mini – polls, and a web counter. I do away all of these in this skin. I think I had enough tagging and looking how my counter changes from time to time.

I like this skin, I could’ve used a more kick – ass one, but simplicity is beauty. I would definitely change this skin, but I’m giving myself at least three months to use it before I itch to use another one. For now, I just like it as it is.

To you my readers, assuming I have at least one - I really hope you like it as much as I do.

True love is hard to find, at least for me. I almost believed that there’s no such thing and true love has yet to find its way through my jaded heart. You could preach all day about rhetoric and testimonials to the contrary but let me first tell you about my tries at love.

The first [and probably the only] guy I fell in love with is already committed, whose lover is working abroad. I agreed and accepted his proposal to be his other one. Substitute. Alternative. You can call me his mistress if you want. We’re the perfect lovers – but only in bed. That’s it.

Another one is a bisexual who suddenly finds himself at the center of a gunshot wedding before we can even get serious with each other. We remained friends, though.

Then there’s this bi-curious guy who is a single father. We almost commit to have a serious relationship hadn’t he realized that he still prefers women to fellow guys.

Though first guy was the best lover, the experienced proved to be traumatic. It changed my outlook in love and relationship. I always thought that everything will work out fine and ‘love’ and good intentions are enough to achieve a happy ending. Apparently, it’s not. I learned that everything is just a game. You lose if you invest too much love and emotion. The rule is to be unattached as possible. Winning this game is dictated by the pain and sadness you can inflict on your preys. Who knows if they’re not thinking the same? Manipulate them before they manipulate you – the mantra I now apply when dealing with relationships.

I had long learned and mastered this art – of saying ‘I love you’ when you don’t mean a thing, of acting all innocent and gullible but plotting and scheming how to execute your plans, of giving guys false hopes instead of just saying ‘no’ and be honest. If there’s a degree for this art – I’m already taking up my Masters. I broke up with a former boyfriend after meeting a more handsome, suitable one. I dumped a suitor just because he texts me morning till night and says ‘I love you’ too much - two of the countless casualties of hurricane Mharlon.

Just recently, I met a guy who seems to be too smitten by my charms. Who can’t help but to profess his noble and honest intentions, who would even serenade me with love songs over the phone just so I would believe him. I contemplated on giving this guy a chance and say goodbye to my current ways.

I agreed to meet him last Monday with a plan to tell him of the good news. But the moment when I was about to say that I’ll be willing to give us a try – different words came out. I realized I am not ready.

For a serious boyfriend…

For a serious relationship…

Anything serious this time makes me wanna puke. It is as if I choke everytime I think of the problems and dilemma of commitments. When will I be ready? I don’t know. And I just can’t.

Wasn’t able to participate in our company’s teambuilding last Friday to Saturday in Tagaytay, which is a total bummer!

In times when I’m not in the office or just don’t wanna go out, you’ll always find me pre – occupied with one thing – MTV.

MTV is my favorite channel in world. Aside for their music videos, they also have a smorgasbord of features, specials and great shows – reality and otherwise.

I had always been updated with the latest music videos and stuff but lately I can barely identify with the channel’s recent developments and emerging artists in this boob – tube music and video haven.

So for two days, I drown myself watching MTV, with only lunch and dinner as my breather. My sisters had been complaining non – stop about their favorite cartoon and anime shows but I wouldn’t budge. It’s only once in a while that I got to boss and piss them around, hahaha!

Two videos worth mentioning:

I am used to seeing Eminem dissed other artists in his videos – Christina Aguilera, Britnery Spears, Elvis and even himself. His latest, “Just Lose It” is a mocking, satirical, bet-yah-think-I’m-making-fun-of-Michael Jackson video. Very hilarious and controversial indeed! I heard that Jacko is even planning to file charges against the bad boy, white rapper! There’s no mistaking that MJ is the unwilling subject of his video, especially about the burnt nose part. See for yourself!




Britney Spears is not a girl, and very much a woman! We all are witnesses to how a once sweet, innocent, seventeen year-old popstar slowly shed off her clothes and inhibitions before the MTV generation. Her latest single, “My Prerogative” definitely rocks! The lyrical content of the song just blew me off-track. I am used to hearing her robotic, computer – enhanced singing voice on bubble gum pop songs about boyfriends, love and all the corny stuff. I like the song’s message – all about not giving a damn to what other people say or think. She even mocked her infamous 51-hour marriage at the latter part of the video!

I have a new circle of friends. Though it’s not really new in the sense that only now that I got to mingle with these free-spirited souls, truth is I’ve known them for quite some time thru my bestfriend, Paulo. Differences in interests and lifestyle had prevented me to interact with this group more than I would have wanted.

For the last two weeks, I was hanging out with the bunch more often, much to my surprise.

It started with Ray’s birthday. Then, there’s another birthday party the following week, a despedida the week after and I could barely even recovered from the last occasion when there’s another one who is celebrating his birthday on that same week. As expected, food and drinks flowed like crazy, and my so-called bow of de-toxication was set aside.



My first impression of the group was that they are volleyball freaks. And I really thought that all they could talk about is volleyball, volleyball and volleyball. And was I ever wrong? It’s really fun listening to their volleyball stories but they can talk some sense, too. Especially when they’re drunk, hehehe!

Its fun to hang – out with their company, that’s for sure. But a part of me is thinking that me hanging out with them gets in the way of my work. The thing is, it’s really fun to be with them but the problem is it’s hard to say goodbye and call the day/night off when we’re having fun. We usually hang out till dawn, even on workdays.

That’s why I grabbed the opportunity of being with them three days in a row at Paulo’s place in Cavite last Friday to Sunday. It was like the last hurrah before I refocused myself to my career full time.

So all was set in Cavite – we drink, sing, fool and play around, swim, watch porn and horror movies [I had an overthose of these especially Feng Shui] – all these we did like there’s no tomorrow. And the earliest time we slept is like 7:00 in the morning the following day. We really had a grand time. I thought that my appetitie for fun and work-free days are satiated. I don’t want those days to end; too bad time is not enough when you’re having fun.

And now, I’m back here in my boring, stressful and ho-hum so-called professional life. And I am thinking…

I want another one…

Life goes on...

I was still in shock hearing Dannie’s story. To say that I was dumbfounded is an understatement. I could not believe Robert is capable of all that.

Yet, somehow I can see the [probable] reasons why he did what he did.

Men are naturally polygamous, as I told Dannie. Funny, how we men [gays included] can’t seem to control our animalistic urges. I, myself, can attest to that. Every opportunity or chance to release those bodily heats will be grabbed the first instance it comes our way. And since Robert is definitely good – looking, girls, temptresses and seductresses will be lining up just to have their bite of Robert.

Not to mention that they are dealing with long – distance relationship, which rarely works.

Me: So dude, how are you? I mean I hope you’re fine naman after all these.
Dannie: I’m still coping. I think naging bato na nga ako kaka-kwento sa mga friends ko about sa amin ni Robert eh.
Me: Ayyyyy, sad ako. Sayang talaga dude eh. Almost three years of a perfect relationship is now a waste! Pare, sayang. I almost thought yours’ will end up in church.
Dannie: Guess what? I thought so, too. Kaya lang di siya nakapaghintay eh. Hay naku, ang dami naman diyan eh. Mas guwapo, mas mayaman, mas MALAKI. Hahaha!

She said as if trying to convince me. Or herself.

Me: Gaga ka talaga! Pero dude, nalungkot talaga ako sa nangyari sa inyo.
Dannie: Eh kasalanan niya no? Masyado siyang mapagbigay, ayun nakabuntis tuloy siya. He could’ve used some protection or whatever but he didn’t.
Me: I hope you still give him another chance. He deserves it naman eh. You, too. You deserve it as well.
Dannie: Hay naku! Definitely not now, if ever I will give him that chance. Teka, parang kamping-kampi ka kay Robert ha? Type mo siya, noh?
Me: Slight! Hahaha!

Amidst the laughter, I know Dannie’s still hurting inside. I cannot probe any deeper since she had told me almost everything.

Dannie: But you know what, dude? I still love him. Di ko lang talaga malimutan yung ginawa niya eh. Pag naiisip ko, ang sakit-sakit. Naiiyak pa rin ako.
Me: It’s normal dude, you won’t get over it that easy. But I know this will also pass. I just hope you won’t become a bitter bitch after what happened. Minsan kasi tinitiis mo kahit mahal mo eh. Minsan, pride lang talaga!
Dannie: Baka nga…

I was waiting for her to say more, to pour her heart out. But I decided to give her that moment to herself to just reflect on what happened, what she feels that time and what I told her. I can see she’s trying hard choosing what to say. And what not to say…

She then started searching for something in her bag. Puzzled as I was, I just let her be. A box of Kleenex is now ready for her outpour. But she just sniffed, saying she might be getting colds. But her front is not enough to hide it. She’s devastated, yet still, very much in love. With her tear-stricken eyes, I gave her the only thing I can give and something she badly needs.

I gave her a hug. A tight and long one. A couple of sniffs and soft, muffled cries, she let out a very deep sigh.

Dannie: Dude, thanks talaga. I feel better now. [Still hugging me] O, dude, baka naa-arouse ka na niyan ha?
Me: Baliw! Wish mo lang!
Dannie & Me: Hahaha!

I know she’ll be alright. I just know.

Dannie: Next topic, please! So dude, how’s your love life?
Me: Love life? Baka sex life, hahaha! You know, I met this guy…

I usually ask why is it that an iota of anything [or nothing] is always missing at hand. I just can’t find all that that will satisfy my cravings for satisfaction. Too much or too small of anything has got this idiot wishing for nothing.

Truly, man has no limitation, as to what will satisfy and pacify his thirst for satisfaction, triumph and glory. A gigantic mansion, fabulous cars, Swiss bank accounts, and an awful lot of things can’t and won’t fulfill and gratify man’s cravings and aspirations. Sadly, no amount of capital and worldly goods will do him good.

So for that undying, old inquiry: Am I happy?

I am not. But I am only human, so that old song says.

I am trying. Trying as much as I can to allow joy and bliss prior to my mortality. But usually, I fail. I succumb to isolation and apathy.

I am not asking for too much of anything nor I want all for my taking. A bit of anything important will do.

Figuring out what’s missing is such a painful and traumatic thing to do. Still, I may not found solutions to my tribulations.

I had thought of giving up. To finish all that was and all that is… so that I can go on, in my own blank canvass.

Finally…

Kaput…

Finito…

What’s missing? I don’t know. Probably, you do. Looking and browsing through, you might know what I am talking about.