Why I agreed to CX’s proposal of an open relationship, I still don’t know. Though dating other guys is not really a bed, I mean bad thing, I would still prefer to have an honest-to-goodness, serious and exclusive relationship with him if given the chance.


I thought that the setup would be advantageous for me but I’m starting to convince myself that it is. I’m really not so sure now. It lessens the guilt every time I’m out with other guys, yes, but I keep on wondering what if I am with CX instead of other guys, I’d definitely be loads happier.


Playing this kind of game is really no issue for me. I can definitely say that I’m quite used to this already but I’m beginning to realize that CX is not as oriented to these dealings as he thinks he is.


He would check up on my whereabouts once in a while and would be slightly irritated if I tell him that I’m out with someone. A couple of times he had questioned me why I was making the least efforts to communicate with him.


See, I was trying to have as much space between us because I thought that that’s what he wanted. His actions are just showing me otherwise. I just wish that -


he won’t say that he misses me terribly…


that he’s sad that we won’t get to go out as much coz I’ve got work already…


that he’s not as happy when he’s with other guys as he is when we’re together.


Much had been the same for me but I’m not going to tell him that, of course!


He told me that he had to be sure of his feelings first before we enter a real relationship. That he also wanted to explore the field and have other options aside from me. I’d given him that space but he’s dropping his guards too soon. He’s getting attached to me more than he should and it’s beginning to disturb me.


His interrogations about my dates had been a concern lately. At first he was all cool (I thought) with it but at that point when he was asking for their numbers resulted to me drawing the lines (he himself made) for him. Good thing that I only went as far as to telling him that I’m going out on casual, friendly, getting-to-know-you dates. Had he known that it’s usually more intimate than that, I don’t know how he’s going to handle it.


If he can only say that we stop this game, I’d be more than willing to oblige. He doesn’t know this but I had committed myself for him already. I’m just seeing other guys for the sake of it but ultimately I would want to end up with him or no one at all for that matter. My closest friends tried talking me into proposing to him again but they’re also aware that I’m too proud so they’re not pushing it. It’s not going to happen. The proposal had to come from him this time. I already had my turn and this is where it brought us.


All he has to do is ask. I don’t want to do anything but wait.


Honestly, I’m in too deep in this already but I’m still managing to keep a seemingly strong and unaffected stance. I just hope that I can hold onto it longer before my defenses collapse. My problem is I’ve already fallen for him…


Hard.

Tonight's the first day on my new job. Got mixed feelings really as I anticipate what's in store for me today at RCBC. I just realized that I'm getting more and more excited (and nervous) as 2100 hr approaches.


A good friend and former colleague, Trace, who's also working in the same company, had advised me to prepare three OSI's (Other Significant Info) about myself that will be asked as we, the new batch, introduced ourselves. I have no idea what to say really but the thought of saying that I am gay popped in my head as I was talking to Trace.


Now, that is SIGNIFICANT!


But I'm pretty sure I won't resort to that tonight. Let them all guess as to what my real preference is, hahaha!


Seriously, my OSI's will include the following - that I am single but attached but uncommitted; that I don't eat pork and beef anymore; and that I'm a Harry Potter freak. I hope that will do.


*************


I also realized that I'm not in-love with CX, that I'm just in love with LOVE. I was just blinded by the physical attraction I had for him, I guess. Slowly, as I start to see the person behind the chinito eyes, dimples and cute smile - is an eighteen - year old brat that's as confused and lost as I am.


It's not yet over for us, though. We decided that an open relationship is the best possible set up we can have for now.


That being the case, I started seeing and going out with other guys lately. Trying to explore the waters for (other) possible catch. As they say, there's a lot of fish in the ocean and I won't mind if I have other options once CX decides that he's better off without me.


Harsh? Not really, I learned to accept that these do happen and that there's no other way but to deal with it. If only both of us can agree to be exclusive, and live up with it, things would have been more simple and less complicated. But hey, I'm really not complaining. I still enjoy our times together.


Got one question though:


Who would you choose?


The one who loves you or the one you love...

Most of my friends still had that surprised looks everytime I tell them that I am jobless now. I actually had the choice not to be one because I was asked to extend my tenure 'til October 15 by my last employer. Only I declined.


Since I'll be going to the states for the training and will be working on a (perpetual) night shift once I got back, I decided to prepare myself to taking on a new life of a working nocturnal animal. And how can I get myself used to this unusual body clock if I'm still working on a regular shift job?


I also remembered telling (in a joking way) my then officemates and superiors that I'm planning to have as much sex as I can before embarking on the new chapter of my professional life. Which is actually more of an admission than a joke because I had made myself available to a number of guys this October to have some fun - clean or otherwise.


That was the plan, had I not met CX along.


Entering a serious and monogamous relationship never appealed to me that much. I only started giving it some thoughts primarily because I felt that he IS the one and I'm really getting sick and tired of playing games with almost every guy I meet.


And so I started on uncomplicating Complicated Dude. I cancelled most of my October planned hook - ups and declined invites from other guys. I even had to tell some that I'm already taken (though I'm really not) just so that I have a valid reason to breach previous agreements. I felt good. I'm beginning to think that I matured already and can now handle serious responsibilities. For a while there, I was thinking that I'm doing pretty well on handling temptations and because exclusive at least for once.


But changes, I realized, don't just happen overnight.


I once told a friend that there's no such thing as exclusivity in gay relationships. And CX and I were definitely not the exception.


.....


That was one very busy week for both of us. I was processing various travel documents and certifications and him with his final exams that same week. We only get to talk at night and since we had too much to do/study the rest of the day, exhaustion had prevented us to spend longer hours on the phone.


Which only made me miss him more. I missed him so bad that I'm literally aching to spend the weekend with him. Too bad he had other commitments to attend to. Though he promised that he'll spend the rest of the weekend with me after he's done with all his activities, I advised him to just rest instead.


So there I was at home that weekend, boring myself to death and getting a little depressed when I heard my phone's message alert tone. Thinking that it was CX's SMS, I immediately went to see what his message was.


But it's from an unknown number, the sender inviting me to spend the night at his place. I ignored it, more depressed than ever and a little irritated. I was about to turn my mobile off when that same number called.


I'm not sure why but I started flirting with unknown caller. When he gave me his G4M username (Nit), I remembered that he's one of the guys I promised of a hook - up this month. We kinda had a number of naughty exchanges on the net before but nothing came out of it for various reasons. Nit told me that he got the house all to himself and is also bored like me. He also told me that he got some booze ready but there's no one with him to drink them with.


I chose beer over boredom. We agreed that he'll pick me up. While waiting for him, I was having internal battles whether I'll have sex with Nit or not. I'm feeling a little guilty and I also felt that I was cheating on CX bigtime. I resolved to just drink with Nit 'til one of us drops so that nothing will happen.


All that plan for the night's abstinence vanished when I saw him. He reminds me of CX very much, only an older version. I now won't mind if we got to do things other than to drink beer. In fact, it really won't hurt me if we don't drink at all...

It's been some time that I got to post something here, I almost missed blogging, hehehe!


Anyways, I'm officially a bum since the start of this month. Though my life as a jobless scum is nothing short of fabulous, I really can't complain since I can get to eat, sleep, wake up and do whatever I want at my own pace. Not having money can be quite a problem most of the time but since I'm not really doing anything much, I guess I really don't need much dough.


CX and I dated thrice already, but nothing's been formalized just yet. Though we've been talking on the phone almost every night, the topic of what's really goin' on between us has been kept at bay. I can't just force myself to thread on that territory for now, been thinking that things had happened too fast, too soon already. But our so-called relationship's been great so far. We even had a few fights already, the good thing about these [fights] is the kiss and make up part, hehehe.


I'm expecting to fly for the US training this November, and I'll be at the visa and travel orientation with my new employer this Monday. I'm just a little worried because I'm not as excited about this whole thing as before. Sure, I really want to take advantage of this rare opportunity but the thought of leaving something [or someone] behind is just making me not too keen on going.


Much had happened since I last posted here, and I hope that I can get to gather my thoughts and write those in details soon.


Happy weekend everyone. Ü