July 15, I decided to enter into a serious relationship with Skyflakes (SF). Last Tuesday, it was over.


SF is an extremely nice guy, who would do anything to please his man. He’s loving, caring and almost always thinks of my interest before his’. I can only think of good words for him.


So what went wrong?


I thought that a good man could bring about the much-needed changes in me. That I’ll be contented to have a guy that loves me more than I deserve and could ever hoped for. I always believe that change is a self-imposed initiative – that the person should WANT to change and will do anything to see it’s realization. But I thought that what if maybe, just maybe, someone else (SF) can do it for me. I was so very wrong.


Very early into the relationship, I saw the end coming. Just when I finally decided to be monogamous just for once, temptations surfaced from every corner imaginable. It made me wonder why do they have to make their presence felt when I’m already taken (or is it)? And where were they all these time when I’ve been going at great lengths looking for them.


For a man who believes that the best way to handle temptations is to give in – my extra-curricular actives had disastrous consequences. Most of my conquests were fine, not asking for anything more than I could give them but there are those who became too insistent that I had to tell them off by saying that I’m already in a serious relationship. I still wanted SF more than all these guys put together.


As more and more guys and boy toys came, the lesser time and smaller space it became for SF and me. Yes, I was fooling around like a restless nympho but at the end of the day, when all is just I, myself and Complicated Dude, I’m still grateful that I have SF with me.


I found a little license to flirt with other guys on this premise – polygamous in actions but monogamous at heart. Which I later realized is the BIGGEST BULLSHIT ever!


As much as I want to continue this difficult set up, juggling guys and continuing my relationship, guilt had caught up with me sooner than I expected. I knew I had to come clean and to do it soon, before I hurt the one who loves me genuinely. It’s just not fair for SF; he need not pay for all my shortcomings.


I called it quits. The guilt and the lies were just too much for me to bear. I know I had hurt him but I just had to end it for both our benefits. I felt like the world’s lowliest shit after that. What’s less excusable was the fact that I did not tell him all these same reasons why I had broke up with him. I cited my need for independence and more space as the culprit. I had to put the blame on his honest and pure intentions. I lied that I felt all choked up with all his love and attention. I’m still trying to figure out what am I thinking then.


I guess I still wanted the life of a single, uncommitted guy than the security of a honest-to-goodness relationship. How I envy those guys who would stop at nothing jumping from guy #1 to their next available prey. The life of a player I enjoyed the most is definitely my comfort zone. Though tiring and lonely at times, I decided to go back at Singlesville.


To SF, I’m really sorry that I let you in into this very compromising situation. I know that you’ll be able to read this but these are the confessions you should’ve heard. I fully understand if you choose not to talk to me again.


Thank you and I’m sorry, SF. One thing will never change though – you will always be my first baby.

The advent of Friendster proved to be a new way to keep in touch with old friends, classmates and meet potential cyberfriends on the net. Have you ever wonder how in the world will you find long lost friends, acquaintances and former classmates (even those in prep school) if not for, what else, but Friendster!


It all started as an invite from a good friend, DiaNNe and I had accumulated two hundred something friends, real and cyber, since. I think I only know personally 25% of them and the rest were either cyberfriends and total strangers. Why is that?


I think all former (and existing) friendster addicts will agree that there came a time when it didn't matter whether you know who you're adding in your list or not. All is just a numbers game. The more invites you got and the more testimonials you approve - the better.


I am soooo famous! I got lots of friendster friends, and they even have the most kick-ass testimonials for me. Yippee!


Well, that was before. Before when I have yet to realize the superficiality and gibberish nature of it all. I mean, why add them if you don't have an iota of clue as to who these people are? It's just plain stupidity. At least there are those who had the sagacity of making friends with you first by sending messages and making the efforts to know you better. Most are just adding you for adding's sake.


Thankfully, I had outgrown friendster now. I didn't delete my account but in those rare instances that I do log-in to this website - it is only to read messages or approve new requests by real friends.


I am thinking of editing my list and limit it to my real friends and certain cyber friends which I had grown fond of. Today, I opened my account to read messages from few friends when a message from a certain stranger friend, who happens to be a girl, strengthen my resolve to do just that.


From: "stranger friend"

Date: Tuesday, July 12, 2005 21:34:00

Subject: HI

Message: 1 nyt stand naman tau....plzzzzzz...k lang ba sau????


Duh?!

From my good friend PauL. I had fun answering this one so here goes...


Three names you go by:
1. Marlon
2. Mharlon
3. Maharlon - this one my officemates invented


Three screen names you have had:
1. Complicated Dude
2. Everett Papantoniou
3. Finger Eleven


Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. Eyes - they're lighter brown than most Filipinos
2. Birthmarks on my left thigh - reddish, map-like marks on my knee up. They are so red sometimes people ask me if I have allergies or something. My grandma won't stop telling me that the first time it turned really red, my late father won a decent sum from lottery. Lucky charm? Maybe.
3. Arms - long and slender, just the way I like it.


Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. Buhaghag and curly (or wavy) hair - they used to be stick-straight when I was younger.
2. Prominent chin - Ai Ai might have been my long - lost, distant aunt
3. Pimples - don't we all hate these monsters?


Three parts of your heritage:
1. Filipino
2. Japanese - my paternal grandmother is a half - Jap, half - Filipino.
3. Spanish or Mexican - I have yet to know for sure but if I would have the chance to really trace my roots, it will explain me and my cousins eye color, hair color and fair - skinned complexions.


Three things that scare you:
1. Rodents
2. Death
3. Alzheimer's


Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Lighter
2. Mobile phone
3. Chewing gums


Three of your favorite musical artists:
1. Greenday
2. Disturbed
3. Madonna


Three of your favorite songs: - No one I guess could trim down this list so I'm having nine, three from the following time periods
1. 2005
- Sleeps with Butterflies - Tori Amos
- Lifetime - Better than Ezra
- Krafty - New Order

2. 2000 - 2004
- Purple - Slapshock
- Konstantine - Something Corporate
- Breakdown - Tantric

3. 1990's and earlier
- Hemorrhage (In my Hands) - Fuel
- Last Kiss - Pearl Jam
- You Don't Love Me Anymore - Weird Al Yankovick


Three things you want in a relationship: - in no particular order
Sexual compatibility
Transparency
Flexibility


Three lies and truths in no particular order:


LIES:
1. Men are polygamous - actually we're much, much worse or better - it depends. So don't underestimate us men - straight or not.
2. False hopes - only impossible expectations.
3. Politicians - the biggest lies if you may.


TRUTHS:
1. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are earthlings.
2. Truth is stranger than fiction.
3. If you manage to complete this list, think again. Go back to number two.


Three physical things that appeal to you:
1. Bears and Chubs
2. Innocent and harmless demeanor
3. Soft lips


Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Reading - be it a very absorbing book or the prints at the back of the shampoo bottle.
2. Playing with stick and balls. That's billiards, hehehe!
3. Blog


Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. Finish Harry Potter and the HBP - my eyes are already sore
2. Sleep more
3. Get this list done and over with


Three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. Financial Analyst
2. Stock Market Analyst
3. Something IT - related


Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Batanes
2. New Zealand
3. Greece


Three kid's names you like:
1. Ashley
2. Mandy
3. Sirius


Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Have my tounge pierced.
2. Eat nothing but fruits for a month. Cleansing diet.
3. Meet JK Rowling and had her sign my Harry Potter collection


Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I'm a gentleman - believe it or not. That's what you'll be when you're the only guy in the house.
2. I'm polygamous - or I was.
3. I have facial hairs now.


Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. Fickle - minded
2. I can cook a mean pakbet and chopseuy.
3. I spend an average of one hour in the shower.


THREE people I would like to see take this quiz:
1. JaMeS
2. CaRL
3. DoPS

******************************************

Three X.S.

1. Really busy the last two weeks so to unwind a little, I changed my layout. For shorter downloading time, I'd done away with my blogmates' pictures. I swear I can hear them say "At last!"(with a collective, relieved sigh). I'm still thinking whether to put a tag-board or not. Hmmnn?
2. Thankfully, the so-so rally, demonstrations and what-nots are all over. We can finally move on.
3. I've been blogging for quite sometime now that I decided to take a break from updating the pages of complicated dude. I had waited excitedly for almost two years for these most important days. I'll be back for sure, friends. For the meantime, I will be spending the next two weeks with my other boyfriend - Harry Potter! I'm off to Hogwarts!

What I only want is happiness. To love and be loved in return – but like everything else, happiness comes with a price.


The complicated life that I led – is now demanding full payment. One by one, ghosts of past lies, deceptions and manipulations are slowly haunting my existence. Truth be told, I am guilty – and willing to pay the price of all the blunders I did. My only desire is that I wouldn’t be shortchanged in this perpetual gamble. But I sense that life thinks that it is too much for me to ask.


Much as I want to, I realized that now’s not the best time to be apathetic - but rather a time for thorough introspect and to bargain one’s self to the law of karma. What goes around comes around – I just wish life to be less sadistic.


It seemed that all events happened [and are still happening] at the wrong time. It’s either too early and/or too late. Just when is the perfect time – I guess only TIME can tell. What’s more fucked up is that time won’t give me some luxury of its own.


Still impending as I speak – I have to face the music - real soon. I dare not think of the repercussions of what I’m about to do – yet. God knows I did not intend to hurt anyone. I may be mean, harsh and manipulative most of the times but resorting to overkill has never been [and will never be] my style.


What I also want is a fresh start - without pretenses and deceptions. Minus the bitterness and being jaded. Now that I'm about open a new chapter of my life – I’m saying good-bye to the old Complicated Dude. Skeptics can laugh but I really want to change.


I know it's hard work and living a changed [and better] life is not an easy task either. I hope that by at least trying my best – I had conquered half of this seemingly impossible battle.


I sometimes wish my life [and me] were not as complicated. Now is one of those times.

It was an ordinary day spent wasting the dead hours of early Sunday afternoon. Checking my mails, updating Friendster and Downelink accounts, clicking the buttons of JobsDb and JobStreet for possible future employers and checking updates on my blog.


Though the usually ignored Yahoo Messenger! on the desktop had been untouched for quite some time, I decided to log-in just to look if my friends, cousins and former officemates had bothered to send me even a smiley.


Nothing.


Just like it’s always been. It felt like ages ago when some friends and I had the grandest times of our lives creating fights in various chat rooms of YM. Thankfully, we had outgrown our war-freaking ways in favor of counter-strike.


I was about to disconnect when a certain cyberfriend’s profile blinked. Skyflakes* is online.


Skyflakes has always been my crush for as long as I can remember. Though we have yet to meet personally, I had been silently pursuing him to get his attention for the longest time - added him on my friendster, replying to his friendster’s bulletins and commenting on his blog. (Yes, he’s a blogger, too.) It even came to a point when I felt like I was stalking him. Good thing he remained clueless or was just ignoring me.


I was surprised that he had sent me a message. Actually, he had sent me three consecutive messages. I decided to flirt with him – see how good a chatter Skyflakes is.


I can say that he is a nice, polite and fun chat mate - not good for my standards. I expected to throw some naughty and flirtatious messages with him but was I ever wrong? It was a very light and engaging chat.


It became boring after a while, that I decided to spice it up a little. What if I tell him about my feelings towards him? Why not?


Complicateddude: I have a crush on you! :)


It was dead air for the next minute. Any moment after I had sent that sinister message, I knew that our chat had come to the inevitable. I blew it - and lost a potential friend.


Thankfully, he did not send me expletives after that. In fact, he said that he was flattered learning that confession but was not quite sure if he’ll believe it or not. You see, he also reads my blog and has this impression that I don’t take guys seriously and that I just fool around with guys.


Me? Fool around with guys?


I asked him if I wasn’t that obvious because I really felt like I was. He only thought that I was just being friendly. He did not realize that I was being TOO friendly – and only then that he realized that it is possible that I really like him. He even said he likes me, too!


I sent him an SMS thanking him for the wonderful chat. He replied with his number and said that I call him if I have the time.


That night, I did. I felt like our time chatting was a bit short and I knew he feels the same. I somehow felt that the crush I had for him had developed into something deeper after the chat and the phone call. Developed into what exactly, I don’t know. All I know is that we’re talking on the phone til two in the morning - and it was also short.

Everybody is talking about Gloriagate, wire-tapping and Hello Garci? ringtone that I contemplated of making a post about the current events that are shaking this administration big time.


But I really don't want to write something political now. I mean, nothing much has changed after the three people power demonstrations we Filipinos are now known for. Personally, I think an EDSA Quatro won't make as much impact, unless Ronald Lumbao, Rez Cortez et. al. come up with something new to install PGMA's successor. While we're all waiting for that to happen or for the President to step down on her own (whichever comes first - it won't make any difference) - a little comic relief won't hurt, right?


Got this from a good friend and I decided to share this here. Some of you may already read or have this thru your emails but just the same, here it is...


**********************************************

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man,


"Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.


"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That’s Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."


"Where's Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's clock?" asked the man. “The Philippine President's' clock is in Jesus' office, He's using it as a ceiling fan."